At last I got Gertjie the Tertjie to write us a ride report – YEAH! Let this be the awakening of the “Ride Report” – lost for years, but back with a vengeance.
Thanks Gert. This is pretty entertaining.
Well if you know what birthday cake, nipples, Smurfs , mummies and stars have in common you must have been on the 9th Birthday Bash ride of Dark & Dirty on 10 April 2014.
You see my biggest fear besides mummies and nipples (As I worked in Brazil for a while you do tend to develop a fear for certain things like nipples and mommies), is to fall on a D&D ride and that someone see you because then you have to do a ride report. Now I am a newbie and have been riding about 4 moths with the group and managed to fall for 4 months without someone noticing.
Now oom Gert did a small report but Russian insisted I have to write one as on the Birthday Bash, I was caught out. Now if someone have contacts at the Kremlin and his name is Russian, you do as you are told because visions of a historic fortified complex at the heart of Moscow flash through your brain with torture halls and methods that you can just imagine…not that there is any relation to a lot of hooligans pedalling torture pipes in the middle of the night in places where there are no roads.
As a newbie I do not know a lot of people so in the darkness when everyone arrive all you can do is listen as you cannot always associate a face with a voice and it is difficult to remember all the names. I have heard there is a Mummy Man.
Somebody asked where is Mummy and all I heard in the darkness is an out of breath voice saying "I am pumping…" and the rest was muffled away with the sounds of a passing car. He arrived with flat tires and apparently he is getting married in 2 months’ time. I don’t know if there is any relation between the marriage, the flat tires and the pumping but I was glad it was a man because as I said Brazilian mommies scare me. Although thinking of it , I think Egyptian mommies that is a man might be even more terrifying. Now Mummy also had to buy a headlamp, because it seems like he has been hiding or was lost in a tomb somewhere for a while and everybody seemed happy that he is back.
Very interesting is that the first mummy ever discovered in South Africa was found in the Baviaanskloof Wilderness Area by Dr. Johan Binneman in 1999. Nicknamed Moses, the mummy was estimated to be around 2,000 years old. So for those doing the Trans Baviaans lookout for a mummy otherwise just join the D&D team and you will find him. Although I did not hear the name Moses being used while cycling with the D&D group.
Now I know everybody wants to hear about the nipples and stars but I first have to tell you about other important people. Oupa Gert was leading the pack as usual, everybody follows him instinctively like the people followed Moses into the dessert…then there were more old timers like Russian, Dirt Rider and Dash and son. It is starting to sound like some Mad Max move on a bicycle.
Now if you throw Flash in there as well with bling bling assesories, all the latest gadgets and a very bright light, images are conjured up in your mind. Now we have not even started riding yet and I can just imagine a ride with Flash singing a Queen song while riding a bicycle called "Pimp my Ossewa",set against a Mad Max backdrop and QT supplying the beat with a rhythmic "whoop…whoop" in the back ground. Now it is with QT where the nipple and stars come in but first I have to tell you about the route…
Now I don’t know all the names of the routes. We cycled through some park something called Viagra Park…I found out later it is Ecstasy Park…well I suppose it is almost the same. There I picked up a name Brian with his red shirt ( I don’t think he was wearing matching shoes ) and then Bruce was there as well, the painted man that is a living art piece. I noticed Chantel who’s boyfriend was away on a fishing trip and wanted to surprise her by returning one day early and I can imagine her saying " Sorry babe, I am doing a Dark & Dirty ". Now this sounds like some flower power extravaganza in the park but it still has nothing to do with the stars and nipples…
Well after going through all Ecstasy, we needed some cleaning so we did the Wash & Go along Nelmapius drive, up Dirt Rider Hill ( that is where I fell and somebody helped me ,not sure who but thanks anyway. I was too sore to thank the person at that stage ) . Then we went up to Heartbreak Hill that is where the stars and nipples were waiting…
Now I know a lot of you grew up in an era where we believed as children that all women were born with 2 stars at strategic places. We learnt that because we secretly stole a Scope somewhere. Later on in life you are told by your buddies that you can use a rubber to get rid of the stars but I always ended up with holes in the paper…apparently there were supposed to be nipples under the stars?…but Heartbreak Hill was a different story…actually better…
QT, Nadine and Casper arrived with a bakkie on 4 wheels , not 2, with party eats, drinks and helium balloons on top of Heartbreak Hill. As none of us could untie the knot in the balloon, we had to bite the nipple of the balloon to make a small hole in the balloon. We inhaled the helium and all sang Happy Birthday. We did sound like a lot of Smurfs on Ecstasy or as it is Blue Bulls country like rugby players busy losing something..maybe a game ?..then we had nice cupcakes and Champaign….
After all the excitement we headed home with various routes, up along the "Mielie muur" where Chantal fell. Well she did use some 4 letter words like "Oops" and other permutations of the alphabet that was quite enlightening and she did that without inhaling helium.
Who could imagine that biting a nipple under the stars and singing Happy Birthday in a squeaky voice like a Blue Bull, a Smurf, a Mummy, a Dirt Rider , a Russian, QT, an Oldie or a Newbie can be so much fun. Thanks to all the founder members like QT, Dash and Dirt Rider, oldies like Russian and Flash and oom Gert (our own Moses) and al the newbies for making Thursday nights a special night to look forward to every week.
Gertjie with a "T" ( if you want to know why with a "T" ask QT if her name is with S or a T 😈)
PS : If somebody has an old Scope at home please try and find out what is under the stars, I still don’t know.